Why On Earth Do I Watch The NFL Draft?

Sometimes, I curse my manliness. Yes, the sheer volume of my testosterone and my overpowering good looks have done nothing but set me into a blessed life of one extremely cool fun day after another. But to all of you nutless half men out there who look at me and say "God, who I wouldn't strangle to live a day in his shoes." I say, slow your roll. There are definite drawbacks.  For one, I get looked at like some country bumpkin in NYC every time I order Budweiser in one of these half lit, velvet cushioned, trance music playing, metrosexual catering, self adoration rooms that so often get confused for a bar.  "I'm sorry sir, we only have Something that costs 11 dollars a glass, and a beligian huckleberry honey wheat ale." They'll barely get out of their mouth before I grab the bartender by his popped collar and bark, "If I wanted a wine cooler I would take one from your mother's fridge after I....." and then I am escorted out by a man much more manly then myself, ruining my wife's birthday party, and having to hear her confuse my manliness for selfishness and being an asshole. I don't fault her, to the untrained eye, real brass ball manliness can often be mistaken for "being a dick". No harm no foul. The other drawback is having to sit though things like the NFL Draft.
This event is so full of shit from top to bottom. Every year guys like Mel Kiper Jr., Joe Theismann, and Chris Berman spend hours analyzing potential draftees, team needs, 40 times - which only come up during the Raiders selections because Al Davis still thinks track stars win football games- and combine results, only to be DEAD WRONG 80% of the time. But because my lizard brain has been programmed to associate this circle jerk as a legitimate part of the NFL season, I have to pop open a cold one and listen to these blowhards talk about what a difference maker Darrius Heyward-Bey is. or how Tim Tebow's mechanics are a nightmare for any NFL coach, but his "it" factor might be something a GM is looking for. Hmmm, the "it" factor you say. That wouldn't be some vague bullshit you through in there to avoid saying that everyones favorite bible salesman is a shitty QB who will never take a snap in the NFL but will have a great smile holding the clipboard and organize your team's charity drives is it? No? OK, just checking.

The whole thing is one giant crapshoot. We're talking about a game where 350 lb men hit each other as hard as they can running as fast as they can. Until ANY of these college kids jump right into the deep end and start adjusting to the speed and force of the game, you dont know anything about anyone.  But lets try to analyze at least one thing everyone is buzzing about. Tim Tebow being taken by the Broncos in round one when he was expected to go late 2nd to 3rd. Yes it was too high, and yes they are gonna pay this guy way too much to run two or three plays out of the wildcat next year. But Tebow is a big strong fast guy and other than getting his bell rung once during his senior year, I can't really remember him being hurt too much in college. So if the Broncos feel like they wanted this guy to learn on the bench while helping them with some weird formations in his rookie year, whatever. We'll know something about Tim in training camp because if you cant move up the depth chart on Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn, yeesh.  But to me everyones "Sure Thing" is the biggest question mark. Sam Bradford injured his throwing shoulder TWICE after winning the Heisman. Yes his rehab looked good, and he wowed everyone at the combine, but how do you look at this guy as your franchise QB when he only finished ONE of the years he played as a starter in college off the DL?
Also I hate this thing on Thursday night. Saturday was perfect. You wake up, hit the couch watch the first four picks, realize this is taking entirely to long for what is essentially a highlight reel, and you get on with your day. On Thursday night, I'm stuck. I have to keep stopping 30 rock on DVR to see if the Chargers have picked yet. There are perfectly good MLB and NBA playoff games on, but I want to know if Philly is gonna take a QB to replace McNabb. Damn you NFL