No Matter How Much You Pray, They Still Hate You

When is Barack Obama gonna get it. Dude, the republicans hate you. This isn't some problem of communication between the two parties or a dispute that needs a mediator which, by the way Mr. President, is not your job. This is one party's battle in a 35 year old war to rid the US of democrats forever. And guess what, they're winning. With a Democratic president, and an overwhelming Democratic congress, they are winning.
Republicans only do two things. Protect the interests of the wealthy and get other Republicans elected. That's it. Anyone who gets in the way of that routine gets put through the Cuisinart of Fox News, right wing radio, and the red state blogs so as to immediately discredit them. They have no interest in playing with others because when it comes time to pass laws to give tax breaks to billionaires, or give corporations the same rights as a human fucking being while at the same time alleviating them of any responsibility for those rights, or to keep funneling our tax dollars toward the bloated military industrial complex, no one outside the party can be trusted. They are good at it, they have entire organizations and think tanks with the sole purpose of being more efficient at it. But our president thinks that with a little elbow grease and some old fashioned common sense, these folks will see how much we can do together when their entire brand and industry is built on the idea that you and your party are traitors who will destroy America.
Anthony Weiner has said that the Republican party is a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. As easy as that might be to believe this week, Congressman Weiner is being naive. They are a wholly owned subsidiary of corporations. Period. Even the senators who have no ties to insurance companies in their home state are fighting this bill like it's the Child Molesters Rights act. Why? Because like the Spartans in 300, if one shield falls, the phalanx is broken. The republicans strength is in their united front. So says one, so say they all. And you have to commend them on it, I mean how easy would it have been for a couple of GOP'ers to have worked out a deal with the white house and sell out their party? They would have had an open checkbook for their districts and spun it into political gold being hailed as the great uniters for the rest of their political careers. Not one broke ranks. Would Democrats have been so tough? Oh right, they were pussies and thanks to them we have two wars, tapped phones, and a Supreme Court that looks like the board of directors for Standard Oil. Their arguments are also audition for any other corporate donors out there. "Look how hard I'm fighting against sick people, I will fight this hard for you when you poison the groundwater!"
Yet, despite all of this, Obama thinks the answer lies in compromise.

And because Republicans will negotiate nothing with the President, lest they be seen as some kind of appeaser by their Tea Party mob, he ends up caving to everything. If he was smart, he'd use this debate to finally flip the switch come out and say "That's it! I gave it my all. I tried, but fuck you! You want to fight the fight for the companies? Well I'm gonna fight for the people and lets see who wins that election that way." Sometimes I wish we could get one fifth of this speech in real life.

And What the Fuck Did You Do Today?!

I had to shovel the walk. My meeting ran long. I had to walk all the way to 14th St because The Whole Foods on 59th doesn't have sesame tofu. WHAAAAAAAH! Did you have to grind your sweaty asshole on a well used pole in front of a customer who can't figure out whether to give you a dollar or bury you in a field, ON ONE MOTHERFUCKING LEG? No? Then shut the fuck up. This lovely young lady makes me teary eyed over her intestinal fortitude and ashamed for not doing more with my day. This lady is in the words of George W. Bush "Uniquely American".

P.S. How much you think she'd charge to let me drink a shot out of her hallow prosthetic?

Sarah Silverman Bombs at a Corporate Gig

You know, some people might read this article and think that Sarah Silverman was out of line for talking about adopting a retarded baby with a terminal illness so that she wouldn't have to take care of it when you're 80. And by some, I mean really churchy uptight women who think sex is a picture of Fabio and that intercourse is too messy and smells funny.
Apparently there is an annual conference called TED that invites scientists, philosophers, and world leaders to come and talk about why they are such self important assholes and even though an entire portion of the conference is dedicated to technology,  no one was able to type "Sarah Silverman" into a Google search box and then click on "video" before offering her a fuck-ton of money to perform.
I mean, if they had hired somebody off of www.comedy.com with a huge bow tie and a puppet with a name like "Phil E. Dangerously", I could understand their surprise. But Sarah Silverman is famous for nothing other than obscenely offensively funny material. She has her own show on Comedy Central that does entire episodes about queefing. Why on earth would anybody think she was going to show up and do jokes about her boyfriend leaving the toilet seat up?

PS- Is there anything gayer sounding than a "Twitter War"? What is the difference between that and a You Tube comments flame? And Steve Case can cut the shit. What a burn! You're as lame as the AOL you founded.

Thursday Afternoon in the Matrix

Blackwater uses my tax dollars to buy whores. I guess that's okay, I'm not legally allowed to here, and you're using my money overseas..... so... awwww, go ahead.

North Carolina coach Roy Williams exposes himself as a me first phony when he compares twenty years of success, and two national titles, then losing 11 games to 230,000 people dying in Haiti. 

John Mayer says he has a David Duke cock.

Can this guy get any better?

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
We're Off to See the Blizzard
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

Hitting the Nail square on the Head

You ever have someone say exactly what you're thinking in a much more concise and professional way because you're not smart and can only cannel simple rage and happiness with words like "fuck" and "sweet"?  Via Crooks and Liars:

Tea Party Double Standards
by John Amato


Eric Boehlert makes an incredible point.

If you don't think there's a media double standard that favors Republicans over Democrats, then let's play a game of what-if.
What if, in 2006, at Yearly Kos, the first annual convention of liberal bloggers and their readers, organizers shelled out $100,000 for former Vice President Al Gore to address attendees? And what if the same organizers booked as an opening-night speaker a fringe, radical-left conspiracy theorist who'd spent the previous year pushing the thoroughly debunked claim that some Bush White administration insiders played a role in, and even planned, the 9-11 attacks. What if the speaker (also proudly anti-Semitic) received a standing ovation from the liberal Yearly Kos crowd?
Given that backdrop, and given the fact that the 9-11 Truther nut had for weeks bragged about his chance to share the stage with Gore, do you think the press would have demanded that Gore justify his association with a hateful conference that embraced a 9-11 Truther? Do you think pundits would have universally mocked and ridiculed Gore's judgment while condemning the Yearly Kos convention as being a hothouse of left-wing hate? Do you think Gore's appearance would have become a thing?
I sure do.
Gore and liberal bloggers would have been crucified by the press and the D.C. chattering class if the scenario I described ever unfolded in real life. (FYI, it goes without saying that organizers for Yearly Kos, now known as Netroots Nation, would never dream of mainstreaming an anti-Semitic 9-11 Truther via a prime-time speaking gig.)
But this past weekend in Nashville, at the first National Tea Party Convention, the Beltway press did just the opposite with regard to Sarah Palin's keynote address, which did follow a prime-time speech by "birther" nut Joseph Farah, who over the years has carved out a uniquely hateful and demented corner of the right-wing blogosphere. Because, yes, at the Tea Party convention, Farah, a proud Muslim-hater and gay-hater, did receive a standing ovation from the conservative crowd after he unfurled his thoroughly debunked birther garbage. (i.e. Obama "doesn't have a birth certificate.") And Farah did brag in the weeks leading up to the event about his chance to share the stage with Palin, to associate with Palin. ("Sold out! Palin-Farah ticket rocks tea-party convention," read the headline at Farah's discredited right-wing site, WorldNetDaily.com.)
Worst of all, though, the press played dumb about the whole thing.
Fact: Virtually nobody in the corporate media said boo about Palin helping to legitimize Farah by sharing the same stage with him. She was given a total free ride.
And I mean nobody. According to Nexis, there were more than 150 newspaper articles and columns published in the U.S. last week that mentioned both Palin and the Tea Party. (Combined, The New York Times and The Washington Postpublished 18 of them.) Yet out of all those articles and columns, exactly two also mentioned Joseph Farah by name. (Congrats to the Philadelphia Daily News and New Hampshire's Concord Monitor.)

When MoveOn held a video contest called Bush in 30 seconds and a Bush-Hitler video showed up and slipped through, the RNC and the media went ballistic.

Republicans Play Chess, Everyone Else Plays Checkers

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Newt Gingrich
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

So last night I'm watching Jon Stewart interview Newt Gingrich on The Daily Show. And it struck me funny that the one time host of MTV's "You Wrote It, you Watch It" is now (along with Colbert) the only guy you can trust to really interview any politician and present tangible counter-arguments to popular talking points.

I guess I should let what few readers I have in on my political beliefs. Here we go: I want the government to use the tax dollars I give them to educate and look after peoples well being without being concerned about who has sex with who, what drugs I decide to do, how much I drink, and what I want to listen to/see in media. I think the Democratic party, as it is today, is filled with spineless gaping vaginas, who-if it happened today-couldn't come to a consensus on stopping the holocaust without polling their districts to make sure it couldn't be used against them when running for re-election. So I guess I kind of consider myself a liberal, libertarian...who knows. I just know I'm not a conservative.

Anyway, back to Gingrich. As I'm watching him spout GOP talking point after talking point (Government bad, Obama a Radical) and Stewart is successfully countering every argument showing exactly how silly it is. Then Gingrich outright lies when asked why the underwear bomber, that Newt has such a problem with being treated like a criminal and not an enemy combatant, is any different from Richard Reid the infamous shoe bomber and why republicans didn't have a problem with his being treated the same way.

"He was an American Citizen", said Gingrich.

Bullshit. He was British citizen of Jamaican descent. Now that's a pretty big lie because it shows that your argument is based on a false premise. But Gingrich didn't care. None of the Republican pundits care if their facts are wrong, or they lie. Why? Because the people who vote for them don't.

It's genius really. Republicans are about one thing, and one thing only. Freeing corporations and wealthy families from the tax burdens and regulations that have plagued them since FDR's new deal. Every republican sponsored bill passed into law in the last 40 years has achieved some part of that goal. Now that's a pretty small group of people to be helping so they have disguised there message in ingenius ways. Cloaking it under racism, populism, finger-pointing, fear, and creating a distrust of government by running it into the ground. They've spent over a quarter of a century cutting education so they's have a nice dumb electorate who would parrot their bumper sticker ready slogans any chance they got.

Files from the Attic: #2 "Scoop Jackson Needs To Get A Clue"

What better way to fill you blog with content than to use older posts from blogs that no longer exist. This one is from when I worked for Sports Radio 850 the Buzz. From The Blog June 16th, 2008. (As of this writing, Scoop Jackson Still sucks.)

 Just when I thought that ESPN still had some value as a sports information service, I read this article from Page 2’s resident hack, Scoop Jackson. This article entitled “What Happened to the New York City Point Guard? ” May be the worst example of Scoop’s schlock- passing -as- sportswriting I have yet to witness. Basically he breaks down the the answer to an interesting question like this: New York point guards are so into being New York point guards that they don’t need an NBA check.

What’s the point in being Jamaal Tinsley, a quasi-respected midlevel starting point guard for the Pacers, but having no one north of 110th Street honor you as dude in the summer, when you could be Kenny Satterfield or Andre Barrett, who dropped 68 and 66 points, respectively, in a Hoops in the Sun tournament game in the Bronx two weeks ago, and get love so unconditional that people riding the 6 uptown with you start rating you as the basketball equivalent of Zeus?

OK, now I know that there are legends on New York basketball courts that will live forever. But Kenny Satterfield? It’s not like the guy dropped out of the NBA because he didn’t find it challenging enough. This guy averaged A little over 5 points a game and less than 1 APG while playing 20 minutes a night for the Denver Nuggets in 02-03. But the real gem in the article is this:

That “love you for life” trade-off that most NYPGs have succumbed to over the past 10 years is possibly the reason the “foreigners” have been taking their spots in the NBA. To the point gods left in NYC — Dwight Hardy, Jeremy Hazell, Kemba Walker — the world can have that spot; they no longer want it, no longer need it.

Yes, that’s right, Scoop. Guys like “Future” and “Booger” are sidestepping the NBA and leaving it to the foreign players because it is SOOOO much more rewarding to play on the NYC tournament circuit. It couldn’t possibly be that they play a style of ball that is entirely about showcasing your own personal offensive attributes.  I love these tournaments. I love seeing “Half man Half Amazing” go to the hole. And with the And 1, and Mixtape tours now, playground basketball absolutely has a livable- and sometimes lucrtive-wage involved for the players. Bottom line is that if ANY NBA club thought these guys could help them they would give them a real contract. And if ANY of these guys were given an real NBA contract, they would sign immediately.   Why does ESPN pay guys to write like 10 year old fanboys?

They still do.

Who Dat, Indeed. Monday Afternoon Headlines

What I wouldn't give to have been on Bourbon St. last night when the Saints ran back the interception to go ahead two scores. I bet you could have felt that city orgasm. Anyway, lets get to the rundown:

Saints 31 - Colts 17 In case you missed it, Peyton Manning is the goat.

Sarah Palin thinks it's okay for Rush Limbaugh to call people "retarded"  Sarah also can't even remember her own talking points at a very staged interview so she does what I used to do in 10th grade history.

Apparently, there are women who pay $5000.00 to have sex with Leif Garrett. I hate to tell them, but if they would just wait until two or three in the morning when he's trying to get his sickness off and he'll let you shit in his mouth for dime bag. It's fun!

Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend lets the back of her hand do the talking.

Watch all of the Super Bowl's overhyped wastes of money here. My favorite was the Tim Tebow anti-abortion ad that sounds like its for healthcare reform.

Wednesday Afternoon Web Run

John Boehner comes right out and tells CEOs to pony up the dough if they want republicans to shill for them.  This news shocks no one and will go unreported on every major network.

FreeCreditReport.Com is not free and rings up credit on your card. Now I really want to punch that motherfucker.

Do you think Bono is a self-important preening jackass who talks down to people? So does AC/DC!

Perez Hilton said Miley Cyrus' 9-year old sister was starting a lingerie line. Owners of said clothing company say they only make tank tops for tutus which is entirely as creepy.

Twenty Bucks Says Peter Sprigg is Caught Fucking a Dude within 1 Year

Has there ever been a preacher or politician who has made it their life's work to haul away gays by the truckload, that wasn't secretly gay? Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Mark Foley the list goes on and on.  Here's Peter Sprigg saying gays should be thrown in jail.

Matthews: Do you think we should outlaw gay behavior?
Sprigg: Well I think certainly...
Matthews: I'm just asking you, should we outlaw gay behavior?
Sprigg: I think that the Supreme Court decision in Lawrence v. Texas which overturned the sodomy laws in this country was wrongly decided. I think there would be a place for criminal sanctions against homosexual behavior.
Matthews: So we should outlaw gay behavior?
Sprigg: Yes.
Matthews: Okay thank you much Peter Sprigg. We know your position. It's a clear one. Thank you.


At least he says what he really wants done. And that's my problem with any debate on cable in this country. It's all controlled by people who think like this loud, bigoted, sick fuck except they don't have the balls to say what they really think like Sprigg does. Instead, they try to hide behind platitudes and "Luntz Speak" so that you cant debate them honestly. They hate the President and want him out because he might help poor people, but they say he's "Moving the country too far to the left".  They want insurance companies to keep bilking people out of their money and denying coverage to anyone who gets a zit for outrageous profits, but they say the "Government Run Health Care will cost too much". They want CEO's to go on running companies into the ground and using our taxes to bail them out instead of passing laws to keep them from doing what they're doing, but they say that "you can't restrict the free market" or "It will stem creativity in the financial sector."  All of this is done by well payed pundits who want you to be stupid and broke.

LOST Commentary: Final Season- Episode 1

Okay, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm kind of into Lost. "Really, Chris? 6 out of your first 10 posts? No."  So every week I'll give my review because I want to and I'd like to get some good geek chat going in the comments. BTW, I talk about Lost in real time so if you're one of those losers who started watching it on Netflix two weeks ago, you might not want to read any further before you find out that the Man in Black/John Locke is the Smoke Monster. Oops, sorry.

I love where they went with this season. Getting us to be able to see what would happen if the plane never crash while simultaneously showing us what would happen if the bomb Juliet set off didn't work. A lot of people are already saying that the bomb caused two alternate realities. Poppycock! I say. The story line on the island is in "Lost Time" that is to say, the continuous story line we've been following since season one. The "Direct to LA" storyline is actually the future when the island cast figures out what to do to actually reboot the flight which is what will send the island to the bottom of the ocean. Brain hurt yet? Play through the pain.

I think doing the story this way is great. It brings back Charlie, Claire, Boone, even Frogurt without having to resurrect anybody. It also gives us something to watch while the Losties run around the jungle some more.

Questions Answered:
Is Locke the MiB? Yup. And also, apparently, the smoke monster.
Is Jacob dead? He seems to think so and say as much, So why should I doubt him.

The Jury's Out On:
Juliet being dead. (They did play the piano music, but now there's this new alternate reality/future(?) )
Sayid being dead or Jacob reincarnated?
Whether or not the MiB really the bad guy?

New Questions:
Who are the new super-others?
Are Richard and Ben really in uncharted territory?
Why does the island sink?
When will Kate take her top off again?

Discuss.

Wednesday Morning Web Run

-Simon Monjack is looking more and more like he killed Brittany Murphy, so he put together a memorial for her and invited anyone who wanted to grieve to pony up $1000, and then he canceled on them.

- Snooki may or may not have gotten naked for someone with a camera. In her defense, he did offer her some scratch tickets and Starburst.

-Your bank called, they said not to forget to go fuck yourself.

- Mel Gibson is gonna kill someone.

- Why are they gonna add more teams to the NCAA Mens Basketball Tournament? Because women can't leave well enough alone.

Awesome Show For Lost Fans at UCB Last Night

Hate to spend time on what really amounts to a hour and a half long inside joke. But last night at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in NYC was the The Dharma Initiative Company Picnic.  Matt Fisher, Justin Tyler, and Alden Ford of Sidecar hosted the event as Dharma employees and participated "Waldorf and Statler" style throughout the show introducing characters from both the Lost universe and in our own world.  My favorite line from the Sidecar crew was when discussing why the smoke monster wasn't really invited to the company picnic. "It's kind of a buzzkill at a party to get judged for your past sins."  Here's some other highlights.

Curtis Gwinn was in these extremely funny Dharma Orientation Videos

new LOST: Dharma Orientation video. Station 11: Brown Pearl - watch more funny videos

leaked LOST: Dharma Orientation video. Station 39: The Hand - watch more funny videos


And This one from Dr.Coolsex with Dave Ahdoot as Sayid

Special shout outs to Mike Still who played a Math Teacher/Lost Fan Fiction Writer, John Frucsiante as Dr. Alvar Hanso, And Gil Ozeri and Chris Gemberling as the comedy team of "Locke and Linus". Again, if you don't watch Lost, this entire show would have made about as much sense as hieroglyphics while wearing double-your-prescription glasses (I consider myself a pretty hardcore Lost watcher and blog reader and there were a couple of times I did't get the references. Not to worry, I laughed along with everyone else so no one would know) But if you were one of those people who watched all the DVD's with a careful eye then this show was a really nice reward for all of your time wasting.

Tuesday Mid-Morning Web Run

- Oscar Nominations are out. Sandra Bullock's piece of shit gets one.

- Sarah Palin says saying something is retarded is like saying the N-word. That's.......... retarded.

- "We Are The World" is getting recorded again. Kevin Meaney is ecstatic to have a new closing bit.

- My good friend Keith Alberstadt wrote this joke for Weekend Update


- Check out this very slow talking gentleman's awesome review of Avatar:


And Part Two:

Okay, just one more thing

One of the things I think people are missing in this whole late night thing is why exactly people are pegging Jay as the bad guy in all of this. Sure, there's the easy answer of comparing what Jay said in 2004 with what he said to Oprah and pick out any number of lies. You could look back to how he got the job in 1992 by having his manager bury Johnny Carson with a New York Post article. But I don't think any of these obvious reasons to brand Leno are truly why he's getting pegged as the villain. I think it has more to do with Leno being a Subway sandwich.

If you hear the word Subway you automatically think of the sandwich even if you are waiting on a subway platform for an actual subway. But Subway sandwiches are just sort of there. I mean, if Subway disappeared tomorrow, would anyone give a shit? No, because all of their meats and cheeses taste the same  and their bread has never received a better adjective than "warm".

Since 1992 Jay Leno has turned the Tonight Show into a footlong Subway club. No surprises, nothing offensive, only go after the easiest of targets like OJ and Clinton,  just try to please everybody and make sure you plug all of you guest's projects, read some typos that cause sexual innuendo, say goodnight,  add pickles and olives, ask if you want a drink and chips.

Here. Now Stop Asking Me what I Think about the Late Night Situation.

As a comedian, everyone wants to know what you think about “Late Night”.  Not just stand-ups, improvisers, sketch writers, humorists, anyone involved with comedy at all seems to be asked their opinion on this. I think everyone has heard it all. Jay’s an unfunny douche, Letterman is grumpy, poor Conan, blah blah THPPPT! The truth is that a lot of what happens on weekly late night TV is unfunny, mass produced hacky bullshit that is made to entertain the same people who consider The Olive Garden fine dining and don't want healthcare reform because "I don't want to move this country too fast."  Having said that, there are some people coming out of this clusterfuck I like. Such as:

The Winners-

David Letterman- Talk about really backing into the championship. Since 1996 Letterman came in second to Jay’s steaming unfunny pile of junketainment even though it was almost universally regarded as the better show.

Monday Mid Morning Web Run

The Razzies Have come out with their nominees for Worst Picture of the Year and Worst Movies of the Decade. Battlefield Earth still getting dumped on. (razzies.com)

Rip Torn got drunk, broke into a bank with a loaded gun, and accused arresting officers of being in his house. Sweet.

Did you know they still had a Miss America Pageant? Rush Limbaugh did.

Do you know this asshole? He's the reason your illiterate relatives think they know anything about healthcare reform. Now he wants the banks and CEO's to be left alone.