Damnit, I Want Answers!

Next week is the premiere of Lost's final season. Everyone is going apeshit because they get to find out why Walt has superpowers, or how they nabbed Locke and Sawyer's dad. Or what Macutcheon Scotch has to do with the Black Rock. But guess what, I have a feeling that most people are gonna be disappointed with the finale? Why? because people are always disappointed with finales. They never fit what you have pictured as the perfect ending.  Here are just a few examples of shows where writers gave their loyal fans a big "Fuck You:

St Elsewhere- This hospital ran for 6 years on NBC and had a small but loyal following who loved the dark comedy and folled troubled characters like Dr. Westphal, Dr. Mark Craig and the Doctor/Drug Addicted Dr. White. And for their trouble the series ended by letting it's viewers know that the entire series had been dreamt up by a retarded kid with a snow globe. Suckers.

Friday Mid-Morning Web Run

- Jay Leno bitches to Oprah about NBC running him off in favor of Conan even though that's how he got the job from Johnny Carson (Huffington Post)

- Call the whaaaaaaaahmbulance. NFL says Farve should've won. (ESPN)

- Another Tiger whore raises her head from the pile of coke in front of her, takes a drag of a cigarette, and mumbles something about Tiger liking to watch orgies. (What Would Tyler Durden Do?)

- Nerdling Republican who dressed like a pimp to keep poor people from voting faces 10 years in Federal Rape-You-in-the-Ass Prison (Huffington Post)

- Isn't the slutty one, like, 60 Now? Sex and the City 3 put into production before Sarah Jessica Parker starts to look any more like Burgess Meredith (Celebuzz.com)

I'd give my right nut to go to the Super Bowl

(Courtesy of SportsbyBrooks )

This is why I love Craigslist. It keeps the bartering system alive and cheats the tax man.  And "No Perverts" is soooooo necessary. I cant tell you the number of times I've tried to sell "Posts", "Roots", and "Wood" on Craigslist only to get an inbox full of cock photos. So I can only imagine when you are trying to trade one of your balls for Super Bowl tickets, the sick fucks must really crawl up the drainpipe. But this story is a bit scary as it doesn't sound like the poster has any intention of parting with the testicle after the game, right? I mean, once the game is over, he needs a ride to the airport and help on the plane, but makes no mention of seeing a surgeon, vet, back alley abortionist, nothing. Probably planning to give the buyer a silly deed or "Ownership of 1 testicle" certificate and have a good laugh with the guy. I'd be careful because this has bored wealthy oligarchs who have nothing better to do than pick up drifters to play the "light-your-lighter-ten-times-I give-you-$10,000-but misfire-once-and-I-cut-off-a-finger" game written all over it. You'll be leaving the game thinking it's all big joke Next thing you smell is Chloroform and BAM! You're waking up in a tub of ice in some roadside motel, while your benefactor is teeing up your nut at Shadow Creek in front of his buddies, I've seen it a million times.

iDon't Want This

Let's get something straight right now, I own a Macbook, an iPod Touch, and and iPod classic. I would own an iPhone but I'm locked into a Verizon service agreement that iCan't get out of.  I also spell all of their products with a lowercase "i" because iMadouchebag who cant break free from branding. I'm a fan.  But this iPad is a $500 load of shit.

It's ironic that Apple has used U2 in the past to hawk iPods because, just like U2, Apple has built an extremely loyal fanbase based on it's early work only to start being more concerned with iMage than quality without losing any fans/customers because they will instinctively buy anything that Apple/U2 fart out because "It's the newest/best/most awesome thing".

Bottom line? The iPad($500) is a big iPod Touch($99). Even worse,  it cant even run two apps at the same time. But I can use it like a computer right? Sure as long as the only videos you want to watch are on YouTube because Adobe Flash Drive doesn't work on it.  This cant even play Farmville or any of the other Facebook games people wont quit inviting me to play (I don't give a rat fuck what your virtual harvest is, If I see it on my profile again I am de-friending you). Forget the fact that it doesn't bring you anything people speculated it might- like a projector, or 3D interface- it doesn't even have a USB port, microphone or Webcam.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that iThink apple has made its first Zune. Only no one will say it because Apple has become so synonymous with "cool" that people will sleep outside for the chance to hand an Apple clerk their hard earned money. And once they do, all you'll here is how awesome and revolutionary it is because no one will be able to swallow their pride say they got rooked out of $500.00.

Mel Gibson Still Hates Jews

OK, I know he doesn't actually come out and say "The Holocaust never happened." but let's read between the lines. When the interviewer softly brings up the incident ("Mel Drunkenly asking the arresting officer "You're a jew, right?" ) and gives him a chance to just blow it off, Gibson lights up and gets in full crane position. I never seen BJ Penn this ready for a fight.
"I take it you have a dog in this fight?"
Translation:
"Are you one of those dirty jews who was responsible for me having to spend the last 7 years in AA and anger management classes? Huh? Are you?!"
And Sam Rubin can cut the shit, okay? Don't lay down like a jobber when Mel says you don't know what you're talking about and then come on the news desk like it took everything you had to not whip his ass. Gotta love the sports anchor helping Sam lick his wounds. "You know, Sam, what you didn't say said more." Yes. It says you're dickless.

Files from the Attic: #1 "Transformers Review"

What better way to provide content then digging up shit I wrote on failed blogs and networking sites and posting it in a much more streamlined manner. This one comes all the way from July 2007.  You can expect some new reviews once I take out a loan to buy a matinee ticket at Lincoln Square.

I fucking hate Michael Bay movies. Every last one of 'em. Seriously, what the fuck would this guy do without diabetic shock inducing soundtracks and slow motion? You ever notice how the sun is permanantly setting in his movies? How bout the big speeches about how important the impending action is about to be? My personal fave is how he only casts black people in his movies to do black things. Every time he needs a cheap laugh or some macho posturing, cue the black guy! If you can find a Michael Bay film where there is a black character that is anything but cock diesel and militant or just there for comic relief, I'll give you five dollars. Pearl Harbor, and Armageddon, rank as two of my all time shittiest movies ever to have laid eyes on. So, when I heard that he was directing a movie based on a cartoon series based on a savvy toy company's cross marketing, lets just say I expected the perfect shitstorm.

To my surprise, it was pretty cool.

Seriously, Bay should only be allowed to direct movies about cartoons from now on out. That way he doesn't ever have to worry about historical content, physics, or anything that is usually pertinent to a film's believability.

Even the Vikings announcers Hate Farve

I know this blog isn't even fully operational yet. But I had to post this because of the sheer joy of listening to the tables turn on Brett Farve in one play. Yes, great season for the old "gunslinger". I doubt any other QB in history could have done as much at his age except for John Elway. But for the last 4 years, this guy has been the most "Me First" player in football. The post season is carefully orchestrated to be about the "will he?/Wont he" retire discussion, just like the preaseason is the "will/he" or wont he return. Farve loves this attention, and the announcers eat it up." He's just a big kid out there slingin' the ball at the tire". He didn't throw a careless ego driven interception! No, he "was just trying to make a play". Well last night, when he needed 5 yards to get his Hall of Fame kicker in a position to send the Vikes to the big game, and had a wide open field in front of him to just walk it out of bounds, Farve did his best imitation of Jamarcus Russell and threw a horrible pass ACROSS HIS BODY into the hands of the Saint's D. And just to show that the people who feel like me are legion in numbers, here's the hometown Vikes announcers letting their true feelings come out. Enjoy