Fucking Paparazzi!

When you're as awesome as I am, it's tough to go from place to place without douchebags like this guy following you around everywhere. Seriously man, how much of me do you think you deserve?
Truth be told, this guy wanted nothing to do with me. Really he wanted pictures of the guy standing behind me. But this gave me new respect for Lindsay, Biebs, and Paris. Just kidding, no one takes pictures of Paris anymore unless she pays them to. Here's what happened:

My buddy Pat works down at Grey Line tours with me and Saturday morning he comes in looking like he was up all night and he asks if I've got a hat or a coat. I tell him it's 80 degrees and he should get some coffee before the boss comes in. He tells me he needs it to hide his face from some Daily News photographers that just chased him from his apartment to work. Apparently my friend Pat spent Friday night in jail for "allegedly" being the "Moustache Man".  Now if you are as confused as I was, you can read the story here, or let me give you the Cliff's Notes. NYC is littered with ads, these ads have the enlarged heads of celebrities on them. Because most people are 12 years old inside, these ads end up with dicks drawn on the mouths of everyone from Cameron Diaz and people promoting GED programs to guys reminding you to get your prostate checked. Sometimes people draw little butts pooping on them,  and sometimes stink lines, but mostly dicks. Every so often, though, a true visionary comes along and begins to do the same thing on lots of different posters, like replacing the eyes of the people on the ads, or making the mouths different, and maybe they write "Moustache" in cursive on people in advertisements where an actual moustache would be. When they do, hipsters hail these mystery people as heroes/artists and not as people who don't know how to adequately waste time on a subway platform waiting on the train because they don't have Angry Birds on their iPhone.

So the NYPD caught Pat "allegedly" doing his thing. Nice job officers, yeah don't bother with the aggressive crackhead scaring the shit out of everyone on the E train, ignore the two hobos having a beat off contest at Penn Station, and for God's sake don't bother the heroin addict taking a shit on the platform at 110th St, I mean, when you gotta go...you gotta go, Right? No, let's focus our resources on the guy who defaced the poster of the kids from "The Glee Project". People have to live here, you know?

Scott Walker is the Governor of Wisconsin.  He must also be retarded. That's the only way I can figure out how a man took over as governor with a 127 million dollar surplus and in less than a year projects a 3.7 billion dollar deficit.  And then he expects anyone with an IQ over 50 to believe that what drove the state to this point of economic ruin is the teachers who get paid less than the kid who delivers "Grit".

This is the same bullshit that republicans always use to make laws nobody wants. They create a crisis out of thin air (i.e. We're broke, Iraq has WMD's, Al Qaeda has sleeper agents in the US) and then they draft legislation based on the absolute worst case scenario (Privatize Social Security, end unions, invade Iraq, tap your phone) which oddly enough never involves raising taxes on corporations or cutting defense spending.

The whole thing is a political litmus test for Republicans who are trying to A) Crush the last remnants of the labor movement in the US and B) Defund the largest contributors for Democrats. That's all this is. And if it works, be prepared to see every state with a Republican Governor and State legislator do the exact same thing.

But asking why this is happening is like asking why a shark attacks anything in distress. It just does, that's what it's made to do. It's in it's DNA. Republicans want two things and only two things. Cheap Labor, and no government oversight on business. Sure, they all have their little pet projects like outlawing abortion, deporting mexicans, mandating all fast food menus must offer "Freedom Fries" as an alternative, or making a picture of Jesus shooting a mexican while he has a bald eagle perched on his shoulder in front of a 9/11 background mandatory in every municipal building in the United States. But when you get down to the common thread between the Republican Alderman, to the oil lobbyist, to Mitch McConnell it's "protect the businesses at all costs".

So in that vein, I don't really blame them. They've been very clear for the last 30 years about what they want. What shocks me is how many middle class people are cheerleading this effort.

I guess it makes them feel good to rally behind conservative efforts. Like they're part of the country club too. Maybe they think that if they support the efforts of the super wealthy, one day they'll get a big "Thank You" prize in their mailbox from the Koch brothers.

Republicans have done a brilliant job of convincing every day Americans that whatever we're trying to get rid of doesn't concern you. Planned Parenthood? Sure, defund it. I'm never getting an abortion. I'm not in a union, aren't they all mobsters anyway? What do I care?  Go ahead and tap my phone, read my email while you're at it. I'm not a terrorist, what do I have to hide. 

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Get This Whole Pippa Middleton Circle Jerk?

It's like the world has gone stalker or something. I mean, yeah, she's cute in that girl that just moved into my apartment complex thing. Great ass? Absolutely. Worthy of everyone on the planet acting like she's Cindy Crawford circa 1990? Not a chance.

I mean is it because she's British? That doesn't make sense. There's still 3 spice girls hotter than her and ,once a week, London's paper of record has a topless strumpet in the middle that's at least an 8 to her 7.

Can We Lockout Congress?

Never studied any political science in college so I have a high school graduate's understanding of the way our government works. But I do remember reading somewhere that our tax dollars pay for all that shit in Washington. The White House, and the Congressional Building, the Pentagon we own that right? And after we give these assholes our vote, we pay there salary. Can't we just lock these fuckers out and hire scabs? I heard that if they do this huge grandstanding shutdown thing, that the military will not receive their pay. That's right. The men and women risking their lives oversees for the rest of you soft,  gutless, Teen Mom watchers and for little puddles of oil will be stiffed because your congressman thinks shutting down the government is good for their political aspirations.

Michael Scott Leaving ranks #2 in all time Characters Leaving List That I Immediately Compiled Off The Top of my Head.

That was pretty good. Sad. Clean break, and still making it seem like there is something to watch via Will Ferrell's DeAngelo Vickers revealing himself to be an unstable lunatic. (God forbid I ever have to sit in on a sales meeting in my life ever again. But if I do and they don't immediately buy or re-up, I am reacting exactly like Vickers). The thing is, The Office is Steve Carrell. It was his vehicle, and all you annoying anglophiles can spare me the "British version was better" shit. No doubt, it was funny. Really funny. But as far as character development and emotional moments, the US version beats the English by miles.  That was mostly Steve Carrell.  I'm putting this at number #2 on the list. And when I say list I mean the list of shows that had a major character leave and then became a different show. This list:


The Sopranos- Big Pussy Gets Whacked



ER Dr. Green dies

Lost- Charlie Drowns

The Office- Michael Scott Leaves

Cheers- Dianne Leaves