Did Lou Holtz Ever Get Around to Giving out an Oscar Last Night?

Look, it's not like I ever watch an awards show and think, "Holy Shit! That was Awesome!" But when the highlight of your 3 hour telecast is a 90 year old stroke victim, you've produced an incredibly forgettable waste of time. First off, who the fuck tapped James Franco to do this? Have you ever seen this man interviewed, he's batshit insane. And not in that fun Tracy Morgan/Charlie Sheen way where he's as likely to expose himself as he is to actually say something interesting. No, I mean insane like in that self-absorbed Marlon Brando way where he doesn't respect his audience because they couldn't possibly understand how deep he is, so he just mumbles incessantly and says weird shit because he's soooo bored with it all.
Anne Hathaway was pretty and harmless but she's not gonna save a show from it's dull moments. Especially when they're served up in wide load truck sizes like last night. And that's the whole problem with this soulless crap-tacular, they removed anything that could be considered offensive (read: interesting) and left you with a 3 hour infomercial.
Anyone notice how Billy Crystal got a standing ovation last night? It was as though the audience just saw the first interesting person walk into an Amway pitch meeting. You could hear the crowd begging him,"No please stay. Those two won't mind. Right, guys?" Hell, I was hoping there were enough one liners programmed into the Bob Hope Holotron 6000 to last the rest of the show.
You need comics to host that crap. Otherwise it's a big self-congratulatory circle jerk. I know, I know, isn't that all any awards shows are? Yes, but that's not why we watch them. We watch to see some of those smug assholes get taken down a peg. We watch so that somebody like Nicole Kidman, who leads a life of privilege you could not possibly imagine, has to walk the gauntlet of people like Joan Rivers who want to know what drape she took down in her house to make that dress. We watch so that Chris Rock can take a shot at Jude Law, who was nice enough to take a break from fucking to come present an award, and make us all feel a little better about living in a studio apartment that barely has room for the bowl of Cheetos we like so much.
But no. Ever since Janet Jackson whipped out her tit 5 years ago, everyone of these shows has become so scared of someone saying something a guy who wrote for "Our Show of Shows" didn't write on a cue card, that it's become The Lawrence Welk Show. Here are some things I think they should bring out next year to get people interested again:

-Trap Doors
-That Price Is Right sound effect when you lose or tell a bad joke
-Tracy Morgan
-Death Montage set to Alan Parson Project's "Sirius" (BTW, where the fuck was Corey Haim in that list last night? I guess License to Drive just isn't good enough for some people)
-All celebrity bloggers allowed on the red carpet. A domain name gets you press credentials.
-All "Best actor and actress" categories will be settled in the Elimination Chamber
-Charlie Sheen
-Martin Sheen with Charlie Sheen