LeBron James May Be The Biggest Asshole......Ever.

Listen, New York was never gonna get him. The Knicks sucked shit for way too long to think that Amare Stoudemire and Tony Parker were gonna lure James to MSG. And since the NBA markets players instead of teams, you can be as big a star in Oklahoma City as you can in NYC. So sorry, Knicks. Wait till 2034 when you'll start get the first draft picks Isaiah Thomas didn't piss away.

Holy-fucking-shit was that press conference cold hearted or what? Look, far be it from me to say that James should have stayed in Cleveland. But if he wasn't, he should have had the courtesy to announce it mid-afternoon and let the pain wash over Cleveland throughout the day. Not to schedule the most ego driven free agent press conference in the history of sports to tell the city that has worshiped him since he was in 8th grade to collectively eat a dick. 

Cleveland is the Milhouse of all pro sports cities. Jordan put a stake through their heart the last time the Cavs were good. The Fumble and The Drive have long since eclipsed any memories of Jim Brown's dominance in the minds of Browns fans. And if that wasn't enough, Art Modell told Cleveland-who had bought every seat in the stadium for 30 years whether they were good or bad- to lick his taint because he would rather own a team in Baltimore. That's right, the town that was captured accurately by both The Wire and Homicide:Life On The Streets was a better city to an NFL owner than Cleveland. (And 5 years after he left they won a Super Bowl to really twist the knife).

But tonight has to be an all time low. And to add insult to injury, here's Cleveland Cavaliers Majority Owner Dan Gilbert sounding like a girl who got dumped at prom:

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....

Dan Gilbert

Majority Owner

Cleveland Cavaliers

Dude. People are watching. Put the bottle of Jack down, and get off the Twitter. It's gettin sad.