When you're as awesome as I am, it's tough to go from place to place without douchebags like this guy following you around everywhere. Seriously man, how much of me do you think you deserve?
Truth be told, this guy wanted nothing to do with me. Really he wanted pictures of the guy standing behind me. But this gave me new respect for Lindsay, Biebs, and Paris. Just kidding, no one takes pictures of Paris anymore unless she pays them to. Here's what happened:
My buddy Pat works down at Grey Line tours with me and Saturday morning he comes in looking like he was up all night and he asks if I've got a hat or a coat. I tell him it's 80 degrees and he should get some coffee before the boss comes in. He tells me he needs it to hide his face from some Daily News photographers that just chased him from his apartment to work. Apparently my friend Pat spent Friday night in jail for "allegedly" being the "Moustache Man". Now if you are as confused as I was, you can read the story here, or let me give you the Cliff's Notes. NYC is littered with ads, these ads have the enlarged heads of celebrities on them. Because most people are 12 years old inside, these ads end up with dicks drawn on the mouths of everyone from Cameron Diaz and people promoting GED programs to guys reminding you to get your prostate checked. Sometimes people draw little butts pooping on them, and sometimes stink lines, but mostly dicks. Every so often, though, a true visionary comes along and begins to do the same thing on lots of different posters, like replacing the eyes of the people on the ads, or making the mouths different, and maybe they write "Moustache" in cursive on people in advertisements where an actual moustache would be. When they do, hipsters hail these mystery people as heroes/artists and not as people who don't know how to adequately waste time on a subway platform waiting on the train because they don't have Angry Birds on their iPhone.
So the NYPD caught Pat "allegedly" doing his thing. Nice job officers, yeah don't bother with the aggressive crackhead scaring the shit out of everyone on the E train, ignore the two hobos having a beat off contest at Penn Station, and for God's sake don't bother the heroin addict taking a shit on the platform at 110th St, I mean, when you gotta go...you gotta go, Right? No, let's focus our resources on the guy who defaced the poster of the kids from "The Glee Project". People have to live here, you know?
Scott Walker is the Governor of Wisconsin. He must also be retarded. That's the only way I can figure out how a man took over as governor with a 127 million dollar surplus and in less than a year projects a 3.7 billion dollar deficit. And then he expects anyone with an IQ over 50 to believe that what drove the state to this point of economic ruin is the teachers who get paid less than the kid who delivers "Grit".
This is the same bullshit that republicans always use to make laws nobody wants. They create a crisis out of thin air (i.e. We're broke, Iraq has WMD's, Al Qaeda has sleeper agents in the US) and then they draft legislation based on the absolute worst case scenario (Privatize Social Security, end unions, invade Iraq, tap your phone) which oddly enough never involves raising taxes on corporations or cutting defense spending.
The whole thing is a political litmus test for Republicans who are trying to A) Crush the last remnants of the labor movement in the US and B) Defund the largest contributors for Democrats. That's all this is. And if it works, be prepared to see every state with a Republican Governor and State legislator do the exact same thing.
But asking why this is happening is like asking why a shark attacks anything in distress. It just does, that's what it's made to do. It's in it's DNA. Republicans want two things and only two things. Cheap Labor, and no government oversight on business. Sure, they all have their little pet projects like outlawing abortion, deporting mexicans, mandating all fast food menus must offer "Freedom Fries" as an alternative, or making a picture of Jesus shooting a mexican while he has a bald eagle perched on his shoulder in front of a 9/11 background mandatory in every municipal building in the United States. But when you get down to the common thread between the Republican Alderman, to the oil lobbyist, to Mitch McConnell it's "protect the businesses at all costs".
So in that vein, I don't really blame them. They've been very clear for the last 30 years about what they want. What shocks me is how many middle class people are cheerleading this effort.
I guess it makes them feel good to rally behind conservative efforts. Like they're part of the country club too. Maybe they think that if they support the efforts of the super wealthy, one day they'll get a big "Thank You" prize in their mailbox from the Koch brothers.
Republicans have done a brilliant job of convincing every day Americans that whatever we're trying to get rid of doesn't concern you. Planned Parenthood? Sure, defund it. I'm never getting an abortion. I'm not in a union, aren't they all mobsters anyway? What do I care? Go ahead and tap my phone, read my email while you're at it. I'm not a terrorist, what do I have to hide.
It's like the world has gone stalker or something. I mean, yeah, she's cute in that girl that just moved into my apartment complex thing. Great ass? Absolutely. Worthy of everyone on the planet acting like she's Cindy Crawford circa 1990? Not a chance.
I mean is it because she's British? That doesn't make sense. There's still 3 spice girls hotter than her and ,once a week, London's paper of record has a topless strumpet in the middle that's at least an 8 to her 7.
Never studied any political science in college so I have a high school graduate's understanding of the way our government works. But I do remember reading somewhere that our tax dollars pay for all that shit in Washington. The White House, and the Congressional Building, the Pentagon we own that right? And after we give these assholes our vote, we pay there salary. Can't we just lock these fuckers out and hire scabs? I heard that if they do this huge grandstanding shutdown thing, that the military will not receive their pay. That's right. The men and women risking their lives oversees for the rest of you soft, gutless, Teen Mom watchers and for little puddles of oil will be stiffed because your congressman thinks shutting down the government is good for their political aspirations.
That was pretty good. Sad. Clean break, and still making it seem like there is something to watch via Will Ferrell's DeAngelo Vickers revealing himself to be an unstable lunatic. (God forbid I ever have to sit in on a sales meeting in my life ever again. But if I do and they don't immediately buy or re-up, I am reacting exactly like Vickers). The thing is, The Office is Steve Carrell. It was his vehicle, and all you annoying anglophiles can spare me the "British version was better" shit. No doubt, it was funny. Really funny. But as far as character development and emotional moments, the US version beats the English by miles. That was mostly Steve Carrell. I'm putting this at number #2 on the list. And when I say list I mean the list of shows that had a major character leave and then became a different show. This list:
Look, it's not like I ever watch an awards show and think, "Holy Shit! That was Awesome!" But when the highlight of your 3 hour telecast is a 90 year old stroke victim, you've produced an incredibly forgettable waste of time. First off, who the fuck tapped James Franco to do this? Have you ever seen this man interviewed, he's batshit insane. And not in that fun Tracy Morgan/Charlie Sheen way where he's as likely to expose himself as he is to actually say something interesting. No, I mean insane like in that self-absorbed Marlon Brando way where he doesn't respect his audience because they couldn't possibly understand how deep he is, so he just mumbles incessantly and says weird shit because he's soooo bored with it all.
Anne Hathaway was pretty and harmless but she's not gonna save a show from it's dull moments. Especially when they're served up in wide load truck sizes like last night. And that's the whole problem with this soulless crap-tacular, they removed anything that could be considered offensive (read: interesting) and left you with a 3 hour infomercial.
Anyone notice how Billy Crystal got a standing ovation last night? It was as though the audience just saw the first interesting person walk into an Amway pitch meeting. You could hear the crowd begging him,"No please stay. Those two won't mind. Right, guys?" Hell, I was hoping there were enough one liners programmed into the Bob Hope Holotron 6000 to last the rest of the show.
You need comics to host that crap. Otherwise it's a big self-congratulatory circle jerk. I know, I know, isn't that all any awards shows are? Yes, but that's not why we watch them. We watch to see some of those smug assholes get taken down a peg. We watch so that somebody like Nicole Kidman, who leads a life of privilege you could not possibly imagine, has to walk the gauntlet of people like Joan Rivers who want to know what drape she took down in her house to make that dress. We watch so that Chris Rock can take a shot at Jude Law, who was nice enough to take a break from fucking to come present an award, and make us all feel a little better about living in a studio apartment that barely has room for the bowl of Cheetos we like so much.
But no. Ever since Janet Jackson whipped out her tit 5 years ago, everyone of these shows has become so scared of someone saying something a guy who wrote for "Our Show of Shows" didn't write on a cue card, that it's become The Lawrence Welk Show. Here are some things I think they should bring out next year to get people interested again:
-Trap Doors
-That Price Is Right sound effect when you lose or tell a bad joke
-Tracy Morgan
-Death Montage set to Alan Parson Project's "Sirius" (BTW, where the fuck was Corey Haim in that list last night? I guess License to Drive just isn't good enough for some people)
-All celebrity bloggers allowed on the red carpet. A domain name gets you press credentials.
-All "Best actor and actress" categories will be settled in the Elimination Chamber
-Charlie Sheen
-Martin Sheen with Charlie Sheen
You know, a lot of people give Lindsay Lohan shit for pissing away a movie career that only five or six people a decade get a chance to have. It's almost as though she watched a couple E! True Hollywood stories when she was 20 and said, "That's the career path I want!". But I'm willing to to give Lindsay the benefit of the doubt that her drug and alcohol problem is not at Steven Adler proportions, but more along the lines of most college students who tend bar/live with a dealer. But with Dina Lohan as her sole parental influence, I'm surprised she hasn't ended up killing a drifter after a bottomed out career in scat porn.
Jesus H Christ, is this woman the worst kind of attention whore or what? Not only does she flat out lie about how many times Lindsay has been to rehab, but she blames all of this on the judge. Not surprising considering she invited the Entertainment Tonight cameras to film her first visit to see Lindsay in rehab, but has claimed she will move back to New York where "state laws are more lenient". Uggh.
Of course none of this should be surprising coming from the woman who lied about launching her own talk show, lied about being a Rockette, and then-while her daughter was in her second dry out clinic- launched a reality show to try and make sure Ali Lohan would be able to be bought and sold in the same fashion.
Dina Lohan is the worst kind of gold digger and you cant tell me that if her child hadn't become a celebrity that she wouldn't have found some octogenarian millionaire and fucked her way into his will.
I got to be honest, I'm not seeing a clear cut winner here. Don't get me wrong, Gary Carter gets no love from me. He's a preening jackass who always wanted the media to know what a good guy he was. Nobody on the '86 Mets liked the guy. Not even the other straight edges like Ray Knight, who once told an assistant coach who was looking for Carter to "find the nearest TV camera" could stand his Dudley Do-Right routine. So is it surprising at all that Carter is asking for charity donations from fans who already ponied up $45 bucks just to walk into an event where they were promised free photo-ops and memorabilia signings? No.
But if there was ever a You Tube video that needed to end with a phone filming 6 minutes inside of the cameraman's rectum, this is it. Dude, save this shit for the real scumbags like Reggie Jackson and Albert Belle. It's not like Carter wasn't signing anything. He was just signing slips of paper unless you made a contribution to his charity. Douche-y ? Sure. But worthy of hounding the man like you just caught him stealing a pocketbook? Fuck off. And don't hide behind the "For the kids" excuse either. Those kids wouldn't have known Gary Carter from Jimmy Carter considering they were all born 10 years after he had his last at-bat. Of course that didn't stop Carter from making sure the kids heard all about how his 30 home runs in Olympic Stadium would have been like 60 in any other ballpark, oh and he never did steroids, or drank, or chased women. Stay on the right path kids, like your hero, Gary Carter. That's G-A-R-Y-C-A-R-T-E-R. I played catcher. I was awesome.
And another thing, quit acting like every fucking pro athlete in the world owes you autographs how you want them. It seemed like he was pretty content to have a conversation with a fan which, regardless of how Carter steered it to his own stats, is pretty fucking rare for anyone in those mass signings. I went to a lot of those as a kid and I can tell you for a fact that I never had any conversations with the guys signing. Well, unless you count Will Clark yelling at a crowd full of me and several other kids that he was "Fucking done with this bullshit!", or the time when I was 10 years old and was next in line to get an autograph from Pete Rose only to hear him explain, at length and in graphic detail, about the "Jew broad" with the "biggest tits" he'd ever stuck his dick between (All right, that one was actually awesome), as conversations.
Listen, New York was never gonna get him. The Knicks sucked shit for way too long to think that Amare Stoudemire and Tony Parker were gonna lure James to MSG. And since the NBA markets players instead of teams, you can be as big a star in Oklahoma City as you can in NYC. So sorry, Knicks. Wait till 2034 when you'll start get the first draft picks Isaiah Thomas didn't piss away.
Holy-fucking-shit was that press conference cold hearted or what? Look, far be it from me to say that James should have stayed in Cleveland. But if he wasn't, he should have had the courtesy to announce it mid-afternoon and let the pain wash over Cleveland throughout the day. Not to schedule the most ego driven free agent press conference in the history of sports to tell the city that has worshiped him since he was in 8th grade to collectively eat a dick.
Cleveland is the Milhouse of all pro sports cities. Jordan put a stake through their heart the last time the Cavs were good. The Fumble and The Drive have long since eclipsed any memories of Jim Brown's dominance in the minds of Browns fans. And if that wasn't enough, Art Modell told Cleveland-who had bought every seat in the stadium for 30 years whether they were good or bad- to lick his taint because he would rather own a team in Baltimore. That's right, the town that was captured accurately by both The Wire and Homicide:Life On The Streets was a better city to an NFL owner than Cleveland. (And 5 years after he left they won a Super Bowl to really twist the knife).
But tonight has to be an all time low. And to add insult to injury, here's Cleveland Cavaliers Majority Owner Dan Gilbert sounding like a girl who got dumped at prom:
Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.
You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
You have given so much and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"
You can take it to the bank.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.
This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.
The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
Just watch.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers
Dude. People are watching. Put the bottle of Jack down, and get off the Twitter. It's gettin sad.
I've already spoke my peace. But there are some genuine feelings of "we got screwed" concerning last night's Lost finale that I haven't seen since 1997 when Vince McMahon called for the bell in Montreal. To give a voice to these angry masses, I give you Lee Rubenstein - Writer for Upright Citizens Brigade Maude Team, High Treason. And one pissed off Lost fan. Lee, you have the floor.
With that final fade to white, I flipped off my TV. I didn’t turn it off though. I just sat there, middle finger outstretched, watching the credits roll. I knew in my heart that, somewhere out there, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse were rimming each other and murmuring softly about how they don’t owe anybody anything.
It would take days to write out all the ways Lost finale failed as a piece of fantasy (or sci-fi, whatever you want to call it). And I’m not going to bother, because apparently, I wasn’t watching it for that reason. I was watching it for the characters. For the love stories. Ok. Sure. Let’s say I was.* HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT A REASONABLE OR SATISFYING CONCLUSION IN THAT CONTEXT?
1. Apparently you must be a certain height to ride the great space coaster into the white light. And apparently it takes you to Fuck-Palace 7 where you just bone all day. That’s the only reasonable answer, right? Because even though parenthood and the proper raising of children were such huge themes in Lost, no one seems to care about meeting their children in heaven. Not even, say, the child we are told is SPECIAL and IMPORTANT and MUST NOT BE RAISED BY ANOTHER. Where’s your child Claire? “Who cares, I’m going to go angle-fuck this drug addict.”
2. But that bad parenting pales in comparison Jin and Sun. Jin chose to die instead escaping the island to raise his kid. And Sun let him. Jin has only had two motivations on the entire show: Protecting and providing for his family, and finding his family so he can protect and provide for it. And how did he end his life? By, you know, maybe sacrificing himself to protect and provide for his family? NOPE. He died doing the exact opposite. Because that’s good writing, right? If you close your eyes, you can literally feel Damon Lindelof pissing on your face.
3. Is Sayid evil? Well, he did torture all those people, both in Iraq and on the Island. And then he did murder a shit ton of people across the world and on the island in cold blood. But, to his credit, he did choose to not shoot a dude sitting in a well. But good, evil, apparently doesn’t matter, cause he gets to go to heaven with his true love, Nadia.
4. Wait, what? Where the fuck is Nadia? What do you mean, Nadia who? FUCKING NADIA. The strong, independent women that Sayid based all his adult life around loving and protecting. Is she not-WHAT THE FUCK IS SHANNON DOING HERE? Get her out of here or it’s going to be awkward when Nadia shows up! So for reals though, was the big plot twist of Lost that Sayid is really Tiger Woods with his hair grown out? Sayid’s entire life is based on what he would and wouldn’t do to be reunited with Nadia. Turns out though that he’d throw it all away for an eternity of whiny, shallow sex with some chick he knew for less than a month.
5. Desmond and Penny, where is baby Charlie? Wait, sorry, I’m done talking about not going to heaven with your kids.
6. So Ben kills like a million people in cold blood, but he can still be redeemed. Then, after he gets redeemed, he kills two more people, just for good measure. No worries, he can go to Heaven after he lives out his dad fantasy with Alex and Rousseau. But Michael, under extreme duress, trying to protect his HUGELY IMPORTANT son (sorry, I momentarily forgot that none of the fantasy plot points mattered at all), shoots one person on purpose and another accidentally, and he’s forever trapped as a ghost? Yup, a good resolution to that character, just as I wanted from my character drama.
6. Why was Jacob and MIB’s mom a ghost? Who did she shoot? Doesn’t matter.
7. John Locke, fresh out of his wheelchair, is apparently going on the space coaster solo. Sorry Kathy Segal, at least you’ve still got Fry.
8. You must never let the light go out…or else you will have to turn it back on again. What a pain, am I right?
Ok, I’m straying back towards discussing the MASSIVE PLOT HOLES instead of the nonsensical behavior of characters in a supposed character drama, so I’ll stop for now. What a fucking waste of time.
*It’s weird, as much as people want to tell me this was why I was watching, I really don’t remember going from website to website, pouring over in-depth analysis of Kate and Sawyer’s breathy exchanges. I don’t remember reading long, speculative blog posts about whether Jack and Juliette’s flirty banter was well-earned. I don’t remember spending off-seasons playing long and convoluted mystery games about finding the location of Locke and Kathy Segal’s first date. Weird.
In the book "Misery" by Stephen King, there is a scene at the end, after Annie Wilkes has held Paul Sheldon hostage for a year while forcing him to write the final book in his series about her favorite character Misery. After keeping Annie at bay with page after page while getting strong enough to kill his captor with his bare hands, Paul tells Annie that the last page he has written contains all of the answers to her questions and her desires for the story characters. Paul then lights the page on fire to get Annie to dive after it while he bashes her head in with a typewriter. If he had allowed Annie to read 75% of the page fulfilling all of her hopes for the story before reading the last line which read "Misery Takes a Hot Runny Shit on Annie" before bashing her head in, I would have a perfect analogy for what I just saw.
I knew we wouldn't find out why Walt could move shit with his mind, or why Cindy took the kids in. All I wanted was to have closure. Good closure. Not that kind of ending like The Sopranos or X-Files where the writers say "Well what do you think happened?".
Well, fucksticks, if I have to write the ending... that makes you pretty shitty storytellers. So here it is SPOILER ALERT: THEY ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD. Some died on the island, some died later after living what I can only assume to be rich, meaningful lives. But they are all dead.
Okay, so they are all dead in the flash sideways, but that's still dead. The ending everyone guessed from season one, that all of the shows producers, writers, actors, and directors swore up and down they would never do, just got did. Meaning that anything that happened in the "alternate reality" had absolutely no bearing on the plot as it related to the island.Well shit shoot and howdy, thanks for stretching this shit out. The ending was a great ending for Season 6 but not the series as a whole. Great, Jack closed his eye. I knew how that was going to end, but just doing it was akin to not showing your work on word problem.
I gotta tell you, up until the Jack/Christian hugfest, I was in. I thought it was a great way to say goodbye. I damn near cried during Sun and Jin's "awakening" as I almost did during Claire/Chahlie's. Even the Shannon/Boone cameo which should have felt forced and ham handed got carried off with some genuine emotion. And then the ending.......
Look, I don't regret one minute of watching this show. I thought Cuse and Lindeloff told a pretty entertaining yarn while developing characters in a way no one really cares to do anymore. I was into it, really into it. I read Dark UFO, and the comments on Pop Candy, and I knew there was no way to really answer everything. But I would have liked to see them clear up these few loose ends (which , by the way, are all from beyond season four, when the writers had supposedly known their endgame)
* What was Widmore and Eloise's purpose? Why was Charles Widmore so interested in the island. He didn't seem to want to protect it, yet they never really showed him exploiting it either. When he returned, was he trying to kill Locke/smoke monster or just hold him at bay while Desmond did the uncorking?And why was that so important to him. And Eloise, keeps helping people get back to the island, telling Desmond where he needs to be, and seems to have left the island and sacrificed everything (her words) but for what?
* Why was Ben Linus so obsessed with Juliet? This wasn't some small story that didn't play out. Ben brought Juliet to the island under the guise of a fertility doctor only to reveal that she "belonged to him". Harper told her that "she looked just like her" and Ben went so far as to have Goodwin killed just because Juliet had feelings for him. I guess they just ran out of time, and decided it wasn't that important, but it sure looked like it could've been a big reveal about Ben's past.
*What was the purpose of "The Others"? I get that the Dharma initiative was studying the electromagnetic properties of the island and that they warred with the island's inhabitants who eventually destroyed the group in "The Purge". But why did they take over their experiments? And how did they disguise themselves as a company who recruited Juliet? Why are they all super strong and super fast? Now I'm just nit picking.
Awww fuck it. Now that I think about it, I'm sitting here writing a blog next to no one will read talking about my feelings for the end of a TV show. When is the last time any show made me this invested? I guess the fact that I am still re-running that episode in my head over and over is a testament to it's strength. I still maintain that just throwing questions at an audience and answering the ones you like can fool people into thinking it's great storytelling, and to be a truly great story teller, your ending should answer the questions you pose in the story's exposition. But I was a fan, and still am and it because Abrams, Lindelof, and Cuse created a world I could escape to once a week, no easy task, so thank you -truly and sincerely- for that.
See ya later LOST. It's like a good drinking buddy moved away, only to find out he opened a credit card in your name. Cue the "Somebody is about to Die" Piano, and hope the fan fiction about Hurley and Ben's adventures gets kept someplace far, far away.
You know, I really do love this show. Why NBC has buried it on Direct TV until summer while pushing a hateful bloody pile of shit like "Chuck" is beyond me. Friday Night Lights is the most realistic high school sports show I've ever seen (Just inching out "The White Shadow") and might be the best show on Network TV right now. Yeah that's right, "Lost". I said it. The island is the light huh? That's what you have for me after 7 years? Come talk to me after the finale. But even though FNL gives a pretty honest look at Texas High School Football and the mania it causes in small towns, I find myself being prevented from truly getting caught up in the story of Dillon, Texas the way I get with "Lost" or "The Wire" because of the sports involved plot twists that require a HUGE suspension of disbelief for anyone who has ever watched an organized sport for more than ten minutes.
In no particular order:
1) "Smash" Williams gets blackballed from colleges for punching a kid- Setup: Smash is the Me-First-Entitled-to-everything star running Back of the Dillon Panthers. In season 3 he is said to be the top running back in Texas and one of the top ten in the nation. Then he punches a kid who was harassing his sister and all of the colleges recruiting him turn their back on him. Why this is complete bullshit to any sports fan: You have got to be kidding me, colleges recruit violent felony offenders and you expect me to believe they turn their back on a kid because of a fight? Christ, John Thompson recruited Allen Iverson WHILE HE WAS IN JAIL. If colleges didn't admit guys with shady backgrounds then the University of Miami would have 5 less national titles than they do now and The '85 Oklahoma Sooners wouldn't have had almost everyone from that team serve time in prison for cocaine trafficking and shooting each other.
Tonight's Idol was pretty bleh except for Lee DeWyze's "Hallelujah"and I don't think that's any coincidence. For the last month AI has had to take a real hard look at itself and realize they were headed straight for the ramp in front of the shark tank. Ellen hasn't worked out, Kara wont shut up, and Simon has 3 shows left. They need to get the teen girls all tingly again and pushing Crystal "We cloned Jewel one too many times and have had....... an accident" Bowersox's subway platform act aint gonna cut it. Casey James gave it the old college try, but this show has been set for awhile. And to ensure that Lee ends up in the finals, they pulled out a bigger fix than Holyfield-Lewis I, the black choir.
Since the beginning of the show, the black choir was only used in the finale. Each singer got the back up, but for some reason, tonight, in the round of three. DeWyze gets it? What the fuck. And don't give me that shit that that wasn't a choir just because they weren't in robes. AI = WBC
He's the guy who will be posterizing your basketball squad next year.
I tell ya, I haven't been this happy about an 18 year old's decision since my prom date decided to try Peppermint Schnapps. NC State just landed it's biggest recruit in 9 years. And to make it even sweeter, we nabbed him from Kentucky. Eat a Dick, Cal ! Coffee is for closers. Now go find some other kid to hand cash to and take tests for. Hope you like this tune because you're gonna be hearing it all the way through March, and if you happen to ring my doorbell. Oh, just FYI, turning the volume down on the top video while turning the volume up on the video below will maximize your hard-on.
Sometimes, I curse my manliness. Yes, the sheer volume of my testosterone and my overpowering good looks have done nothing but set me into a blessed life of one extremely cool fun day after another. But to all of you nutless half men out there who look at me and say "God, who I wouldn't strangle to live a day in his shoes." I say, slow your roll. There are definite drawbacks. For one, I get looked at like some country bumpkin in NYC every time I order Budweiser in one of these half lit, velvet cushioned, trance music playing, metrosexual catering, self adoration rooms that so often get confused for a bar. "I'm sorry sir, we only have Something that costs 11 dollars a glass, and a beligian huckleberry honey wheat ale." They'll barely get out of their mouth before I grab the bartender by his popped collar and bark, "If I wanted a wine cooler I would take one from your mother's fridge after I....." and then I am escorted out by a man much more manly then myself, ruining my wife's birthday party, and having to hear her confuse my manliness for selfishness and being an asshole. I don't fault her, to the untrained eye, real brass ball manliness can often be mistaken for "being a dick". No harm no foul. The other drawback is having to sit though things like the NFL Draft.
This event is so full of shit from top to bottom. Every year guys like Mel Kiper Jr., Joe Theismann, and Chris Berman spend hours analyzing potential draftees, team needs, 40 times - which only come up during the Raiders selections because Al Davis still thinks track stars win football games- and combine results, only to be DEAD WRONG 80% of the time. But because my lizard brain has been programmed to associate this circle jerk as a legitimate part of the NFL season, I have to pop open a cold one and listen to these blowhards talk about what a difference maker Darrius Heyward-Bey is. or how Tim Tebow's mechanics are a nightmare for any NFL coach, but his "it" factor might be something a GM is looking for. Hmmm, the "it" factor you say. That wouldn't be some vague bullshit you through in there to avoid saying that everyones favorite bible salesman is a shitty QB who will never take a snap in the NFL but will have a great smile holding the clipboard and organize your team's charity drives is it? No? OK, just checking.
Two words: Fuck Yeah! I only ask two things from movies, a great character somewhere in the film, and for the movie to provide enough story that I get lost in it. That's it. Yet for the most part those Studio dipshits keep churning out bloody stool like Meet The Spartans and whatever abortion Jennifer Anniston and her contractually obligated companions will be in.
Kick Ass is a movie about the comic book launched- concurrently with the making of the film-under Marvel Comics' Icon label by Mark Millar. Dave Lisewski is a loser. And not just your run of the mill unpopular in high school type. He's not smart, or interesting, he jacks off all day to his english teacher. Then he thinks the thought anyone whoever read a comic thinks, "Why can't I become a super hero?". He tries, and fares as well as anyone with no combat training and no physical strength would fare and ends up in the hospital needing severe rehabilitation which also gives him nerve damage allowing him to take a tremendous beating without feeling much pain. Now even though that is a lame superpower, it was a bit of a cop-out as that was a power none the less. Anyway, on his second attempt he fights a little better causing his attackers to just give up in frustration all while being caught on camera phone. His you Tube video gets 22 million hits, and a superhero is born.
Good lord, does this season suck or what? Simon's obviously counting down the days till he can get the hell out, Ryan Seacrest cant stop saying record needle scratch producing weird shit (Needlessly shitting on Brian Dunkleman while he's trying to get his glory hole business off the ground was just plain fucked up.), And Kara cant fill the shoes of a pill addict. If I hear her tell one more contestant how disappointed she is because they're missing "that swagger" I swear I will stop beating off to her in that Allure magazine spread. You think I'm bluffing, Kara? Well roll the dice and take your chances honey. I never bluff!
Add all that to the fact that they've recruited some of the most godawful talent in the 9 seasons AI has been on the air, and you have a recipe for a real shit storm. I mean, they've got it so fucked up this year that the front runner looks like a Nashville Star reject. Yeah Bowersox is good, but do you really see anyone giving this reaction if she loses? Yeah, it's still the most watched show in America, but deep down in places America doesn't want to talk about the feeling is that if AI was a running back it would be turning 32 and going to play for the Jets.
Huffington Post- A lesbian teen who successfully sued her Mississippi school for the right to bring her girlfriend to prom was left out and was instead directed to a "fake prom" on Friday, according to The Advocate.
Constance McMillen, her date and just a handful of others, including two classmates with learning disabilities, attended the dance in Fulton, Mississippi while most of her other classmates from Itawamba Agricultural High School reportedly partied at a separate prom that McMillen was not invited to.
McMillen made headlines just a few weeks ago when, with the help of the ACLU, she fought the school's decision to cancel prom. The school canceled the dance after McMillen sought to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo.
As part of a preliminary ruling, a judge decided that McMillen was allowed to bring a girl as a date. The judge did not order the school to reinstate the prom because it was understood that McMillen would be invited to a prom being held by parents of her Itawamba classmates. Instead, that prom was canceled and was replaced with the sparsely attended country club event.
Kristy Bennett, the ACLU's legal director for Mississippi, told NEMS360, that she was disappointed.
"Whatever we find will be brought to the court's attention," Bennett told NEMS. "Whether it is in the damages trial, or whatever. There will still be a trial on the merits. The case didn't end in the preliminary hearing." McMillen, 18, said that her feelings were hurt, but that there was at least one good thing about the night. The Advocate: Two students with learning difficulties were among the seven people at the country club event, McMillen recalls. "They had the time of their lives," McMillen says. "That's the one good thing that come out of this, [these kids] didn't have to worry about people making fun of them [at their prom]."
I got to be honest, I only read this story because it had "lesbian teen" in the title. Okay first, the prom is like the most overblown event in High School. Everyone acts like it's the fucking Oscars, but the pictures dont lie, everyone looks like a dweeb because you're 18 and you don't know how to rock a tux properly or the girls looking frumpy in the only thing their dad would let them wear out of the house. Proms are all about awkward. So why not let a couple of lesbians into the....oh wait, this is in Mississippi? Well no shit honey. What'd you expect, you were gonna show up with KD Lang Jr. and everyone would say "Oh look, what a brave girl. Good for her, hey while we're at it lets take the stars and bars off our state flag and teach evolution instead of Genesis."
Look Constance, you live smack dab in the smallest minded State in the Union. Across the tracks from Cornpone Hick Station in the corner of Shitkicker Valley. No one is happy there. And I know it sucks having not only the entire school, but their parents give you the "Constance, This is Mohammed, Juggdish, Sidney and Clayton." treatment. But drop the ACLU shit. You've already won. After a prank this shitty, you have the perfect excuse to never go back. Plus, your best days are ahead of you. You're already out of the closet. No speech to your parents, or spending your first semester in college experimenting. You get to hit the ground running from the first day you step on campus as a full fledged gay woman. You're life is about to be one big Indigo Girls concert.
Washington Post- American University students are demanding that the campus newspaper fire one of its columnists and issue an apology after publishing a column Monday that called date rape "an incoherent concept." The column in The Eagle newspaper was written by Alex Knepper, 20, a sophomore political science major. Knepper wrote that a woman who attends a fraternity party, drinks more than five glasses of alcohol and follows a guy to his room is indicating that she is willing to have sex and should not "cry date rape" the next morning.
Knepper, who is openly gay, often writes on topics that infuriate students and hopes to someday be a political commentator. In an interview Monday he said that "real rape," which occurs when a stranger "thrusts sex into a non-sexual situation," is a heinous crime and rapists should be severely punished.
Not surprisingly, the column has already received more than 175 comments and several letters to the editor. Early Monday morning an unknown person or persons collected hundreds of copies of the paperfrom around campus and piled them in front of the student newspaper office, under a sign reading: "No room for rape apologists."
"I have a fun time stirring the pot," Knepper said in an interview Monday. "I don't mind being hated for my views."
Knepper and his editors are standing behind the column. Editor in chiefJen Calantone said she decided to publish the column because it would "foster an interesting discussion." The Eagle, which publishes twice a week, plans to print numerous letters to the editor and rebuttals to the column in its Thursday paper. Editors are also in the process of organizing a Thursday night forum so students can ask questions and share their opinions.
Okay, this is exactly why no one should listen to anyone in college unless they are telling you which bar has penny draft. This guy is obviously the least qualified person to write an article about sex. Straight or gay, this guy has never fucked anything . Only an unwilling virgin writes things like "Thrusts sex into a non sexual situation". He cant possibly have anyone cool to hang around with and on the off chance I'm wrong and he has fucked a guy or girl, tell me with a straight face that you think he was any good at it. And despite all of that, you fake posing womynists couldn't take one look at this pantywaist and laugh your collective vaginas off. If you chicks are still offended after seeing this video, then: a) It's been awhile since you had a nice stiff one in you, and b) You are not attractive, at least not to men. C'mon ladies, just look at him. He's like a wimpier Harry Potter but more AIDS'ey. He wrote an article about getting drunk, getting laid, having sex against your will. It be like if you girls wrote an article about Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, or the best quotes from Caddyshack, or math. I'm sure he got the idea for the article after watching the scenario on Law and Order: SVU and you ladies turned it into your cause of the week.
P.S. Is there a major in college that has produced a higher level of douchebags than political science?
P.S.S. On a scale of 1 to 10- 1 being high on the couch watching Aliens and 10 being having your balls set on fire and then put out with golf cleats and rubbing alcohol- would you rate having to sit through that Thursday night "Opinion Share" Forum. I give it a 9.5.
Does it get any better than today? Seriously. The ACC tournament starts in 45 minutes. Wall to wall basketball all day. Then I take a stroll down to E 14th St to O'Hanlon's pub to do some stand-up with Gary Gulman, one of my favorites and all around good guy. Then after the show, I pull up some barstool and watch as the Mighty Fightin' Wolfpack of NC State take on the puny lowly tigers of clemson. To be honest, the show will be much better than the game because NC State absolutely sucks. Everyone in Raleigh is crowing about how they've won 3 out of their last 4, and that the tournament is wide open, and that we've beat all of the top seeds except Maryland. But for a team that hasn't won 3 games in a row since December, four wins in four days is a tall order. But no matter, I can walk around like this guy in the video all day because until 9:30 tonight they are the ACC champs in waiting and you can't prove me wrong. Anyone reading this should really stop by the show tonight at 8:00. It's at O'Hanlons pub on 349 E 14th st. Cheap drinks, great show, then hoops. IF the Pack wins, I'm buying.
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