Fucking Paparazzi!

When you're as awesome as I am, it's tough to go from place to place without douchebags like this guy following you around everywhere. Seriously man, how much of me do you think you deserve?
Truth be told, this guy wanted nothing to do with me. Really he wanted pictures of the guy standing behind me. But this gave me new respect for Lindsay, Biebs, and Paris. Just kidding, no one takes pictures of Paris anymore unless she pays them to. Here's what happened:

My buddy Pat works down at Grey Line tours with me and Saturday morning he comes in looking like he was up all night and he asks if I've got a hat or a coat. I tell him it's 80 degrees and he should get some coffee before the boss comes in. He tells me he needs it to hide his face from some Daily News photographers that just chased him from his apartment to work. Apparently my friend Pat spent Friday night in jail for "allegedly" being the "Moustache Man".  Now if you are as confused as I was, you can read the story here, or let me give you the Cliff's Notes. NYC is littered with ads, these ads have the enlarged heads of celebrities on them. Because most people are 12 years old inside, these ads end up with dicks drawn on the mouths of everyone from Cameron Diaz and people promoting GED programs to guys reminding you to get your prostate checked. Sometimes people draw little butts pooping on them,  and sometimes stink lines, but mostly dicks. Every so often, though, a true visionary comes along and begins to do the same thing on lots of different posters, like replacing the eyes of the people on the ads, or making the mouths different, and maybe they write "Moustache" in cursive on people in advertisements where an actual moustache would be. When they do, hipsters hail these mystery people as heroes/artists and not as people who don't know how to adequately waste time on a subway platform waiting on the train because they don't have Angry Birds on their iPhone.

So the NYPD caught Pat "allegedly" doing his thing. Nice job officers, yeah don't bother with the aggressive crackhead scaring the shit out of everyone on the E train, ignore the two hobos having a beat off contest at Penn Station, and for God's sake don't bother the heroin addict taking a shit on the platform at 110th St, I mean, when you gotta go...you gotta go, Right? No, let's focus our resources on the guy who defaced the poster of the kids from "The Glee Project". People have to live here, you know?

Scott Walker is the Governor of Wisconsin.  He must also be retarded. That's the only way I can figure out how a man took over as governor with a 127 million dollar surplus and in less than a year projects a 3.7 billion dollar deficit.  And then he expects anyone with an IQ over 50 to believe that what drove the state to this point of economic ruin is the teachers who get paid less than the kid who delivers "Grit".

This is the same bullshit that republicans always use to make laws nobody wants. They create a crisis out of thin air (i.e. We're broke, Iraq has WMD's, Al Qaeda has sleeper agents in the US) and then they draft legislation based on the absolute worst case scenario (Privatize Social Security, end unions, invade Iraq, tap your phone) which oddly enough never involves raising taxes on corporations or cutting defense spending.

The whole thing is a political litmus test for Republicans who are trying to A) Crush the last remnants of the labor movement in the US and B) Defund the largest contributors for Democrats. That's all this is. And if it works, be prepared to see every state with a Republican Governor and State legislator do the exact same thing.

But asking why this is happening is like asking why a shark attacks anything in distress. It just does, that's what it's made to do. It's in it's DNA. Republicans want two things and only two things. Cheap Labor, and no government oversight on business. Sure, they all have their little pet projects like outlawing abortion, deporting mexicans, mandating all fast food menus must offer "Freedom Fries" as an alternative, or making a picture of Jesus shooting a mexican while he has a bald eagle perched on his shoulder in front of a 9/11 background mandatory in every municipal building in the United States. But when you get down to the common thread between the Republican Alderman, to the oil lobbyist, to Mitch McConnell it's "protect the businesses at all costs".

So in that vein, I don't really blame them. They've been very clear for the last 30 years about what they want. What shocks me is how many middle class people are cheerleading this effort.

I guess it makes them feel good to rally behind conservative efforts. Like they're part of the country club too. Maybe they think that if they support the efforts of the super wealthy, one day they'll get a big "Thank You" prize in their mailbox from the Koch brothers.

Republicans have done a brilliant job of convincing every day Americans that whatever we're trying to get rid of doesn't concern you. Planned Parenthood? Sure, defund it. I'm never getting an abortion. I'm not in a union, aren't they all mobsters anyway? What do I care?  Go ahead and tap my phone, read my email while you're at it. I'm not a terrorist, what do I have to hide. 

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Get This Whole Pippa Middleton Circle Jerk?

It's like the world has gone stalker or something. I mean, yeah, she's cute in that girl that just moved into my apartment complex thing. Great ass? Absolutely. Worthy of everyone on the planet acting like she's Cindy Crawford circa 1990? Not a chance.

I mean is it because she's British? That doesn't make sense. There's still 3 spice girls hotter than her and ,once a week, London's paper of record has a topless strumpet in the middle that's at least an 8 to her 7.

Can We Lockout Congress?

Never studied any political science in college so I have a high school graduate's understanding of the way our government works. But I do remember reading somewhere that our tax dollars pay for all that shit in Washington. The White House, and the Congressional Building, the Pentagon we own that right? And after we give these assholes our vote, we pay there salary. Can't we just lock these fuckers out and hire scabs? I heard that if they do this huge grandstanding shutdown thing, that the military will not receive their pay. That's right. The men and women risking their lives oversees for the rest of you soft,  gutless, Teen Mom watchers and for little puddles of oil will be stiffed because your congressman thinks shutting down the government is good for their political aspirations.

Michael Scott Leaving ranks #2 in all time Characters Leaving List That I Immediately Compiled Off The Top of my Head.

That was pretty good. Sad. Clean break, and still making it seem like there is something to watch via Will Ferrell's DeAngelo Vickers revealing himself to be an unstable lunatic. (God forbid I ever have to sit in on a sales meeting in my life ever again. But if I do and they don't immediately buy or re-up, I am reacting exactly like Vickers). The thing is, The Office is Steve Carrell. It was his vehicle, and all you annoying anglophiles can spare me the "British version was better" shit. No doubt, it was funny. Really funny. But as far as character development and emotional moments, the US version beats the English by miles.  That was mostly Steve Carrell.  I'm putting this at number #2 on the list. And when I say list I mean the list of shows that had a major character leave and then became a different show. This list:


The Sopranos- Big Pussy Gets Whacked



ER Dr. Green dies

Lost- Charlie Drowns

The Office- Michael Scott Leaves

Cheers- Dianne Leaves

Did Lou Holtz Ever Get Around to Giving out an Oscar Last Night?

Look, it's not like I ever watch an awards show and think, "Holy Shit! That was Awesome!" But when the highlight of your 3 hour telecast is a 90 year old stroke victim, you've produced an incredibly forgettable waste of time. First off, who the fuck tapped James Franco to do this? Have you ever seen this man interviewed, he's batshit insane. And not in that fun Tracy Morgan/Charlie Sheen way where he's as likely to expose himself as he is to actually say something interesting. No, I mean insane like in that self-absorbed Marlon Brando way where he doesn't respect his audience because they couldn't possibly understand how deep he is, so he just mumbles incessantly and says weird shit because he's soooo bored with it all.
Anne Hathaway was pretty and harmless but she's not gonna save a show from it's dull moments. Especially when they're served up in wide load truck sizes like last night. And that's the whole problem with this soulless crap-tacular, they removed anything that could be considered offensive (read: interesting) and left you with a 3 hour infomercial.
Anyone notice how Billy Crystal got a standing ovation last night? It was as though the audience just saw the first interesting person walk into an Amway pitch meeting. You could hear the crowd begging him,"No please stay. Those two won't mind. Right, guys?" Hell, I was hoping there were enough one liners programmed into the Bob Hope Holotron 6000 to last the rest of the show.
You need comics to host that crap. Otherwise it's a big self-congratulatory circle jerk. I know, I know, isn't that all any awards shows are? Yes, but that's not why we watch them. We watch to see some of those smug assholes get taken down a peg. We watch so that somebody like Nicole Kidman, who leads a life of privilege you could not possibly imagine, has to walk the gauntlet of people like Joan Rivers who want to know what drape she took down in her house to make that dress. We watch so that Chris Rock can take a shot at Jude Law, who was nice enough to take a break from fucking to come present an award, and make us all feel a little better about living in a studio apartment that barely has room for the bowl of Cheetos we like so much.
But no. Ever since Janet Jackson whipped out her tit 5 years ago, everyone of these shows has become so scared of someone saying something a guy who wrote for "Our Show of Shows" didn't write on a cue card, that it's become The Lawrence Welk Show. Here are some things I think they should bring out next year to get people interested again:

-Trap Doors
-That Price Is Right sound effect when you lose or tell a bad joke
-Tracy Morgan
-Death Montage set to Alan Parson Project's "Sirius" (BTW, where the fuck was Corey Haim in that list last night? I guess License to Drive just isn't good enough for some people)
-All celebrity bloggers allowed on the red carpet. A domain name gets you press credentials.
-All "Best actor and actress" categories will be settled in the Elimination Chamber
-Charlie Sheen
-Martin Sheen with Charlie Sheen

Is Dina Lohan the worst mother in history to not have murdered her child?

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You know, a lot of people give Lindsay Lohan shit for pissing away a movie career that only five or six people a decade get a chance to have. It's almost as though she watched a couple E! True Hollywood stories when she was 20 and said, "That's the career path I want!".  But I'm willing to to give Lindsay the benefit of the doubt that her drug and alcohol problem is not at Steven Adler proportions, but more along the lines of most college students who tend bar/live with a dealer. But with Dina Lohan as her sole parental influence, I'm surprised she hasn't ended up killing a drifter after a bottomed out career in scat porn.

Jesus H Christ, is this woman the worst kind of attention whore or what? Not only does she flat out lie about how many times Lindsay has been to rehab, but she blames all of this on the judge. Not surprising considering she invited the Entertainment Tonight cameras to film her first visit to see Lindsay in rehab,  but has claimed she will move back to New York where "state laws are more lenient". Uggh.

Of course none of this should be surprising coming from the woman who lied about launching her own talk show, lied about being a Rockette, and then-while her daughter was in her second dry out clinic- launched a reality show to try and make sure Ali Lohan would be able to be bought and sold in the same fashion.

Dina Lohan is the worst kind of gold digger and you cant tell me that if her child hadn't become a celebrity that she wouldn't have found some octogenarian millionaire and fucked her way into his will.